Dark Shadows Pics Revealed, or Why Tim Burton Must Be Stopped

Some production stills from the Tim Burton film treatment of Dark Shadows starring Johnny Depp, have very recently surfaced on the intertubes, and just one image can bring on a whole bag of ughhh to the ribcage! In the first place, they've made Johnny Depp look precisely what Elliott from ET: The Extra Terrestrial would like if he had gone goth and become a recluse in a secluded New England castle. Furthermore, these images serve as a reminder of why the remake is an awful idea, why Tim Burton is a terrible filmmaker these days, and what a waste of talent it is to see Johnny Depp play these kinds of roles.

A flurry of emotions gobsmacked me across the chaw when I saw these photos. Not because of how they looked or even what they were of, but that the Dark Shadows project encapsulates so many things worth hating about Hollywood right now. So, let's get them all out before I show you the other still.

Someone needs to take Tim Burton's camera and notepads away. He's run out of original ideas and we're sick and goddamned tired of watching him filch source material only to make it worse. From Alice In Wonderland to Planet Of The Apes to Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, he's taken good things and sullied them with his deliberate weirdness and pseudo-gothic bullshit.

The Dark Shadows television program doesn't even hold any allure to me and yet I still feel like he's ruining it. There is a sense that Burton has this cadre of things he loves and wants to control, so he remakes them. Yet, this only leads to an inferior version of the thing he loved. It is sad to watch and damaging to the source material. Someone make him stop.

Johnny Depp is a very talented actor and yet he keeps palling around with Burton hoping to rekindle that Edward Scissorhands or Ed Wood magic. Those are very good films, but that light has long since gone out and now one gets the sens that Depp will play out his days as Jack Sparrow in a rest home, doing the bidding of the evil Dr. Burton or, after the failure of Rum Punch, perhaps just continue making bad film adaptations of Hunter S. Thompson novels. Dude, just get back to being an actor and stop trying to be a movie star.

Finally, we get down to the whole vampire nonsense. Between this, the Underworld franchise, Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter and that Twilight Saga bullshit, the American movie making syndicate have basically created a cottage industry for fake blood purveyors and the makers of prosthetic fangs. At what point will the movie going public overload on this horseshit? It's hard to tell what teenage girls will be into next, but anything other than bloodsucking douchebags would be a wonderful reprieve for this cineaste.

Enough of my vitriol, here are some more stills.

Remake This: A Primer

I loathe the Hollywood remake from the core of my soul.  Every fiber of my critical being cringes at the hokey remake concept that the major (and sometimes not so major) cinematic shit-servers chuck into the multiplex Bouillabaisse. But why does this phenomenon aggravate me above all others? There are dozens of absolutely terrifically awful ideas that are vaguely original, or at least not outright copycat retellings that are at best a piss poor excuse for a movie, let alone actually worthwhile, or culturally fulfilling.  Is a dreadful live action/CGI retelling of the Underdog storyline going to be any worse than the most recent schlock-filled romantic comedy with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher?  The easy answer (and probably the right one too) is NO!  This then, still leaves a fundamental issue hanging over the popcorn trough and butter spigots: Is the remake rage in Hollywood really worse than the myriad other offenses of the mainstream film-making market?  And, if so, why?

The best way to begin breaking down this quandary is to define what constitutes a remake and categorize the offenders.  Next, it’s imperative to determine if amongst those categories, there is a greater or lessor evil.  In other words, is it more dreadful to do say a shot by shot remake of a universally loved and respected film that defined an entire genre and begat at least three sub-genres or to “reinvent” (and I use that word in the most sarcastically liberal sense) a well loved or greatly appreciated sitcom?  While there is no “winner” here - because both scenarios are soul crushing - the actual answer to this question ought to be self-evident and if you find yourself unsure as to its answer, these periodic installments may provide some very bumpy reading for you.

For all the naysayers and “but-throwers” out there, please be reminded that simply because one or more given films in a particular category may be good, it does not in total validate the idea of rampant remakes.  Let’s say you really liked the 3:10 To Yuma remake with Russell Crowe and Christian Bale and you are determined to believe it is a far better film than the original version starring Glenn Ford.  I would disagree (only slightly albeit) but I would acknowledge that in the realm of remakes this isn’t that bad of a film.  It was reasonably entertaining, didn’t shit all over the original and managed to at least hold it’s own for the most part.  We’ll be generous and call this a success.  Now, let’s for the sake of this scenario we’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and call 3:10 To Yuma a “good film”.  Again, this is a stretch but we’re dealing in hypotheticals here.  According to this thought process, 3:10 To Yuma now qualifies as a good film.  A stretch, but we'll go with it - for now.

I’ll be generous and say that 10% of the “remakes” that are foisted on the cineplex each year are “good films” - and again I am being generous.  That means that 90% of them are a celluloidal abomination.  The better way to think about this is you take an annual hunting trip with your chums.  The first year you bag a nice buck and get loaded around the campfire telling the story and bragging about your crackerjack aim and top of the food chain prowess.  That year is your 3:10 To Yuma year.  The next nine years you winnd up pulling buck shot out of your left ass cheek while your best pal tries to keep you from bleeding out.  Those years are akin to sitting through the Tim Burton/Marky Mark version of Planet Of The Apes.  Except that 48 minutes into Apes, you’re praying for someone and their merciful 12 gauge to end the agony.  Again, the 90/10 ratio is under the kindest and most forgiving of circumstances, so stop thinking of the remake that “wasn’t awful”.  It’s not an excuse.  It’s not a valid argument.  Shut the hell up.